I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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