He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
