be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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