I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
