I just made out with a guy for $7.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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