His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
