3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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