I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
