I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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