WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize