I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
