i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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