i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize