If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
