This beer is not sobering me up at all
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
