If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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