The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
