I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize