I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize