new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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