I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
