I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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