so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
