can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
