There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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