To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
