im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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