i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
