She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
