she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
