Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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