alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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