genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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