I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
