I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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