I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
