in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
