I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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