I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
