Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think people are normalizing furries
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
