Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
