allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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