Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize