Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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