I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
