don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize