Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
