i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
