You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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