Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
