There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
