Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
