Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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