After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
