Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
