Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
